Effective Communication is an exchange of information between 2 or more people with a goal of communicating (delivering and receiving), and understanding the information communicated accurately. It is not about getting your way, winning an argument, or pushing your views or opinions on someone. It is about clearly expressing feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights while allowing others the opportunity to do the same, and being open to workable compromises where appropriate. We can communicate effectively with Assertiveness Skills. Below you will find the various styles of communication, why people struggle to be Assertive, and things that can be helpful in becoming more Assertive.

Passive Communication is defined as not expressing honest feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights clearly or directly. This includes expressing them in a soft spoken or self-dismissive ways. When you communicate in a passive way it allows others to disregard your feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, and needs easily. People who communicate passively also tend to put their own feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights below other people’s. Passive communicators often beat-around-the-bush, are very hesitant, apologize unnecessarily, speak in overly soft tones, and use self dismissive phrases such as “oh..it’s not that important”. Their body language is also passive with little to no eye contact, fake smiles when angry, slouched posture, and nervous habits such as a trembling jaw or wringing their hands. Passive people don’t feel they are as important as others, or anticipate poor outcomes if they do express their honest feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights clearly or directly.

Passive Aggressive Communication occurs when people express their feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights in a way that is indirectly aggressive or expressed subtly through their actions or inactions. There is often a disconnect between what they say, and what they do. Passive aggressive people will make excuses instead of directly saying no to a request or will say yes when they don’t want to and then perhaps complain or procrastinate a task. They will claim everything is fine, while expressing anger or frustration with their body language or behaviours. They may also become sarcastic, sulk, or mutter to themselves when they are unhappy. Passive aggressive people may display “covert aggression” – appearing to be cooperative but doing things to purposely disrupt a situation. Often, the passive aggressive person’s words are passive, coupled with more aggressive body language and actions. They tend to think their feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights take priority over others, but that they cannot openly express that.

Aggressive Communication occurs when you stand up for and express your feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights in a way that is usually inappropriate and inconsiderate of the feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights of other people. Aggressive communicators tend to be sarcastic, condescending, abrupt, blaming, threatening, judgemental and insulting. They may intrude on personal space, use excessive eye contact, point, clench fists, or cross their arms. They tend to look out for themselves, and disregard others. Their goal is to win when having a discussion.

Assertive Communication is a way of communicating our feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights in an open, honest manner without disregarding other people’s feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and rights. Assertive communicators present with a firm, relaxed and fluent voice. They are sincere, use “I” statements that are brief and concise to express themselves, try to cooperate, express interest, distinguish between their opinions and facts, seek others’ opinions, and look for solutions other than their own. They can maintain eye contact without staring, demonstrate they are listening to others, have an open and receptive posture, smile when they are happy, frown when angry, and their features are steady with a relaxed jaw. They do not let others take advantage of them, and do not attack or criticize others for their feelings, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs and rights because they are equally important. Assertive communication comes with the benefits of increasing your self esteem, improving the chances of having your needs met and achieving your goals, developing mutual respect with others, protecting yourself from being taken advantage of, and reducing negative emotions. People that aren’t used to you being assertive may struggle with this change at first, and if you are shifting to communicating more Assertively, you will struggle with it also. That’s ok. Change can be hard, but is worth it!

People who communicate in unassertive ways (passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive) struggle with either not knowing how to be assertive, meaning they are unsure what to say, or how to say it. Or they struggle with not being able to perform or act assertively, meaning they may know what to do, what to say, and how to do it, but something prevents them from acting this way. Anxiety often prevents people from acting Assertively, including the fear and anticipation of a terrible outcome if they were to assert themselves, or concern about how they will be viewed by others if they are assertive. Defensiveness also prevents people from being Assertive because they feel they need to protect themselves to ward off a perceived attack. It is also possible for people to be unassertive because they struggle with both how to be assertive and with performing or acting assertively.

Self Awareness – know your current communication style in what circumstances and with which people.

Coping Skills – help calm your emotional response and balance your nervous system. Use coping skills to regulate your emotions so you are not communicating through extreme emotions and are able to consider all logical options and outcomes. Coping Skills include (but are not limited to):

• Breathing
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation
• BMindfulness
• Activity – walking, physical work, going to the gym, etc.
• BImagery
• Gratitude

Thought Challenging – help by identifying and challenging unhelpful thinking that prevents you from
being assertive. Helpful tools to evaluate thinking include:

• Thought Evaluation Questions
• Thought Records
• Thought Diaries
• Behavioural Experiments

Observing Other Assertive People – spend time observing assertive people. Pay attention to what they say, how they respond, their body language, etc. Observe people:

• In real life
• In media (keep in mind interactions are scripted)

What Will You Say – practice what you want to say using assertive voice tones. “I” statements are an important part of any assertive communication.

Body Language – Check your body language. Are you maintaining eye contact, showing that you’re listening, and keeping an open posture? Does your body language match the Assertive message you are trying to get across? To help ensure your message and body language convey the same Assertive message:

• Practice
• Rehearse in front of a mirror
• Role play
• Record yourself and review

Assertiveness Skills – help address how to be Assertive and allow you to practice being Assertive regularly. People who struggle to be Assertive will benefit from learning Assertiveness skills in some of the following areas:

• “I” Statements
• Expressing Anger
• Giving Compliments
• iving Opinions
• Making Requests/Asking for Help
• Saying No
• Giving Constructive Feedback
• Responding to Compliments
• Dealing with Disappointment

Start Small – begin practicing Assertiveness in less intimidating situations and build up to situations you tend to be more uncomfortable in. Guilt and shame can be normal responses when seeking to get your needs met if you’re not used to doing this, so expect these feelings. They don’t mean you have to stop!